Little Red Riding Hood Goes to War
Once upon a time, there was a tough little maiden, and whoever laid eyes upon her could not help having their childhood illusions of cute little girls torn apart.
It all started with her Grandmother who loved this girl so much, and since her husband had been in the military, she had given the girl an UZI and a small, red velvet camouflage cap, and since it was so cool, the maiden insisted on always going around waving with her UZI, yelling "Little Red Ridinghood in da hood, man!"
One day her mother said to her: "Come, Little Red Cap, take this handgrenade and this bottle of nitroglycerine and bring them to your grandmother. She's preparing for war, and this will strenghten her efforts. Get an early start, before it becomes hot out there, and when you're out in the jungle. Just chill out and don't throw the nitroglycerine around, or you'll blow up and your grandmother won't win the war. And when you enter her room, don't forget to salute her like an officer, and don't go pissing in the corner.
"Yes, Maaam" - Little Red Cap replied to her mother in a strict voice.
Well, the Grandmother lived out in the jungle, half an hour from the urban chaos, and as soon as Little Red Cap entered the Jungle, she encountered the Wolf, who was a mercenary soldier. However, Little Red Cap did not know this at the time, and how they turn on their friends for a bag of gold, and she didn't suspect his intentions.
"Sieg heil to you, Little Red Cap" He said.
"Thankyou, Wolf"
"Where's the War, Little Red Cap?"
"At my Grandmothers"
"What are you carrying under your apron?"
"Handgrenades and Nitro Glycerine. My Grandmmother is going to war and we bought this on the black market, and it will help her in the war"
"Where does your Grandmother live, Little Red Cap?"
"In the sixth quarter of the barracks, on the outskirts of the jungle. Her house is under the three big oak trees. You can tell it by the burned bushes" Said little Red Cap"
The wolf thought to himself, this war could get really bloody and messy. My commando central will be nuked by that old woman. You've got to be real crafty if you want to get out of this alive. Then he walked next to Little Red Cap and after a while he said: "Little Red Cap, just look at those beautifull explosions which is happening all around you! Why don't you look around? I believe you haven't even noticed how pretty the sound of a missile impact is. You march along as if you weren't ever going to throw yourself into a massacre any time oon, and yet, it's so delightfull out there in the open confrontation!
Little Red Cap looked around and saw how the rays of the nukes were dancing through the trees, back and forth, and how the jungle around her was full of pretty explosions. So she thought to herself, if I bring Grandmother a bunch of nukes, she'd certainly like that. It's still early, and i'll arrive on time. So she ran off the road and plunged into the fray of fire to look for nukes. And each time she found one which hadn't gone off, she thought she saw another even bigger one and ran after it, going deeper and depper behind enemies lines. It might be said she went Commando, eventhough that word has more than one meaning to it! But the Wolf went straight to the Grandmothers house, and knocked at the door.
"Who's out there?"
"Little Red Cap. I've brought you some handgrenades and some Nitro Glycerine. Open up"
"Just lift the latch, and watch out for the landmines" Grandmother said. I'm pumping iron"
The Wolf lifted the latch, and the door sprang open, and he was carefull not to step on any of the landmines, and came straight to Grandmothers bed where he shot her in the forehead and then ate her, which he was famous of doing with his enemies, hence the nickname, the wolf. Next he put on her clothes and her camouflage cap, lay down on the workout bench and began pumping iron.
Meanwhile, Little Red Cap had been running around and looking for Nuclear warheads, and when she had as many as she could carry, she remembered her Grandmother and continued on her way to the house again. She was a bit puzzled to find the door open, and as she entered the room, some landmines went off right next to her, almost blowing off her legs. It seemed so strange inside that she thought, oh my god, did they already invade today? She called out "Who's here?"
But she received no answer. Then she went to the workout bench and disarmed some missiles.
There lay her grandmother with her camouflage cap pulled down over her face, giving her a strange appearance. "Oh, Grandmother, did they torture you and make your ears bigger?"
"The better to hear you with"
"Oh, Grandmother, did they also put glowing metal strips under your fingernails. How big hands you have!"
"The better to stab you with."
Grandmother, what did they do to your mouth?"
"The better to eat you with"
No sooner did the wolf say that, than he jumped out of the workout chair, and gobbled up poor Little Red Cap. After the wolf had satisfied his desires, he lay down in the bed again, fell asleep and began to snore very loudly.
Then the whole house blew up, because the Wolf had forgotten about the nitroglycerine which Little Red Cap had brought, and he had swallowed it all. All which was left was a big crater, and a little girl with an UZI with a wild rambo look in her eyes, and that's how this story ends.
